My mum it has been 5 years!

Life is a Journey

"Life is a journey of sweetness and sorrow, of yesterday’s memories and hopes for tomorrow. Of pathways we choose and detours we face. With patience and humour courage and grace. Of joys that we’ve shared and of people we’ve met who have touched us in ways we will never forget."

I saw this and automatically thought how apt! However there is an expectation that we are accepting that the journey ending before we are ready is ok, well....

So it’s been 5 years, 5 years of following this journey of life without you mummy. Of course you gave me the most fabulous tools with which to cope and the most marvellous siblings, Toks Ronke and Yetunde. However I have to be honest there are moments when I feel very sad, mad even that you were taken from me ( well all of us really) to face the rest of the journey without you. It maybe corny but the fact is I think about you every day, it doesn’t matter what I am doing or what's going on around me, it could be that odd glance in the mirror, ( smile) although I’m not as yellow as you, I leave that to Yetunde!! Sometimes I may be chastising my husband wagging my finger at him and I really have the feeling of you. I don’t know really I just feel cheated.

There was so much of the journey left, that mother – daughter thing that just cant be replicated.  I am your firstborn, and you were always the number 1 champion of my cause, my mum and I really miss you, for your beauty for the funny things you would say, for cheering me on,  for petting me, for nagging me and all that. I know I have to accept that God loves you more than is humanly possible, does that make it any easier? I think not! I pray you are resting in peace with the angels. Lots of love…me, Nike your first born. xxxx

Ok, so i went back to SW last week and while I am really disappointed at having undone all my good work from a couple of weeks ago, honestly i cannot complain. I have had a good week if I am honest, but I find myself realising just how easily bad habits take root in your attitude and behaviour despite months years even of good work to eradicate those habits.  So it would appear that `i am likening this attitude and behaviour to being a drug addict or alcoholic because they can get clean live a perfectly good life and then bam something happens and they are back in the old ways. 

This is where my moments of issues arose because being back at work after the break, i found that at approximately 3pm i would want a snack and  a sweet one at that, the pull towards chocolate or tea and biscuits was great and sometimes the desire was over whelming - yep you guessed it on more than one occasion I gave in. hmm just what am I going to do with myself? Really and to be honest some angst is beginning to set in, dont know why it just is but i do know that it is centred around my lack of discipline. Why i cant just be satisfied with 2 biscuits, why does it have to be 1/2 of the packet, why 4 slices of bread instead of 2? Are you recognising a pattern here. 

My point is that 2-3 weeks of not following my normal routine, my tae kwon do and zumba classes were not running, I was not even going to work and before you knew it,  i was into baking, all because I watched the final of the Great British Bake off! In case you don't know, baking is an under developed skill of mine that comes out to play every now and again. So when you are at SW the use of that particular skill really needs to stay under developed is it not? Unless it is being used use SW food to the maximum. 

As it turns out I lost 2.5lbs, which I was actually quite pleased about, as apart from the blips in the week, i was out on Sunday and whilst I did try to make good choices, i had  a fish starter and main there was lots of bread, warm and inviting which in the end I did not resist, and then there was the champagne. It was that type of outing. 

so what are my plans for this week... i find a good break fast usually helps, when i was really good at SW, i used to have breakfast before i left home, but that has become rather difficult now, so its when i get to work, sometimes though i must supplement with a hi fi bar on the way.

Things that take me off piste! (Diet wise anyhow)

1. Chocolate/ butter 

Ok! They may seem at opposite ends of the spectrum but I lumped these 2 items together is because a) they are 2 of my most favourite thing and b) because since joining SW I have mainly tended to side step them - butter more so than chocolate! Invariably though this has made me acutely aware of how they  taste! This brings into play the old saying - a taste of honey is worse than none at all! Yes it plays to my all or nothing nature, so, I can't buy a 4 finger kit kat, eat 2 today and keep the other 2 for later/2moro I will always convince myself that actually.......

Sometimes I feel this is akin to being an alcoholic, you take action, you recover, then it becomes about not relapsing!

2. Socialising! 

Now hands up if you have a full and fabulous social life, filled with family and friends and momentous occasions. Yes sometimes it's easy to make good choices, eat before you go is an option often bandied around at my slimming world group, do flexi syn and so on and so forth! But what do you do when it's occasion after occasion? That question is very difficult to answer if like me you embrace life to the full! To party poop or not? I suppose the key thing here is balance? 

3. Native food!

Lets face it- who doesn't like

 fish & chips, 

Beef stew & dumplings

Or for me the double whammy I have my equivalent nigerian foods

Sometimes you just want these foods- it's how it makes you feel! Ignoring the way you may feel after you have eaten it! 

4.Travelling

Now! Holidays are one thing, what I am talking about is the day to day commuting, the stresses and strains of it, especially that #firstcc, signal failure, points failure, defective trains, we must not forget the leaves on the track or the wrong type of snow… on an on… delays that make you uncomfortable and unhappy, thereby pushing you in the direction of the  small shop on the platform selling a plethora of goods to make you feel better.  Not just that, there is something about a train journey that makes me want a latte and chocolate.

 

Well before SW, I often  would have a latte and Cadbury Snack on the way into work, I felt that I had all but eradicated that habit, but  of late, I have found it creeping back in one form or the other.

 

5.Laziness

Let’s face it, sometimes we are just dam lazy.

We don’t want to cook

We don’t want to think about what we are eating

We are too tired

Its easier to have a bowl of cereal and plop in front of the tv

 

6. Holidays:

A distraction from the norm! You know the chance to really let your hair down, relax and shake of the strains of every day life for a couple of weeks.

So, if you go abroad it could be all the  foreign food, fish and chips by the seaside, cream teas, whatever… the point is you are relaxing its easy to take your eye completely off the ball.

Enough said

 

7.Time pressures

When things do not go according to plan:

Late trains

Work pressures

Little johnny’s sick

And so on and so forth

 

Are you really going to remember that you are SW every time this scenario rises? Somehow extreme hunger often gets the better of me in this scenario! Step in the crisps or the chocolate. Or even worse both of them! 

 

8. Boredom and denial

 

Well I think we all know that sometimes boredom often disguises itself as hunger! God forbid that we should recognise and occupy ourselves with other stuff, I.e. Stuff that is not food! As it has been proven time and time again, that sometimes we just think we are hungry when in actual fact we are probably just thirsty.

It could also be that we are bored and just need to do domething with our hands-like eating while watching tv or reading a book! 

 

So, the questions these pose for me are:

1 How do I recognise these scenarios and the impact they can have?

2 Once recognised what can I do to minimise the impact of these on my well being?